Caught between a world of
enjoyment and acceptance and a world of truth and reality, I found
myself booking a flight to Italy. I had to get away from it all. I
was a bar tender in a popular Italian cafe and spent my weekends
singing shows with my band. On the outside I was your typical
Italian girl, just trying to have a good time, but on the inside, I
was dying. I couldn’t live this life any longer. I couldn’t just
serve drinks all day and sing all night, and then come home and try
to do five prayers all at once with the right state of mind. And
people had begun to notice the change. I no longer wore my hair down
and my usual dramatic makeup had faded significantly. Some people
thought I was depressed, others just pointed at that Muslim guy,
Mohammed whom I’d been seeing. But my mother was the most disturbed
of all. Why don’t you sing like you used to she’d ask. I’d tell her,
I don’t know mom, it just doesn’t feel the same as it used to. I
feel differently now.
She’d ask me what was on my mind, but
no matter what I told her, she had already made up her mind that my
boyfriend had been forcing me out of this business. In all honesty
though, I had become sick of being on display, for all their
enjoyment. Do they really know who I am? Why are they cheering so
fervently and calling out my name? They have no idea what is in my
heart right now or what I like or don’t like, so why are they
talking so highly of me in the streets? It’s all so fake. I’m just
an attraction, which will be replaced with a better attraction one
day, and this exhilarating feeling will turn into emptiness and
dejectedness instead. I kept on thinking, is this really what we’re
here for? Is there more to life that the Creator wants us to
experience? In which direction should I allow my life to be pulled
so strongly? Something transient like a record contract that could
fling my life full speed into the opposite direction that my heart
has curiously been pulling me? Or should I listen to this nagging
feeling that there is much more than this. I knew it. I knew what I
had to do, but it was so difficult from where I was standing. I knew
I could not break free and do what was right for me because of my
family, who was highly critical of this religion, and heavily
pressuring me into signing with the record label; my job which was
family owned, and hard to get out of; my band, which played
regularly and made money.
All these
commitments that were locking me down, but I was really somewhere
else entirely and they were in no way ready to accept it.
I could no longer handle the pressure
from my mother to wear more makeup, put on more revealing clothes,
do my hair nice like I used to, nor could I take the mocking that
came if I attempted to explain the concept of humbleness or modesty.
I couldn’t take the pressure anymore.
After being told enough times by so many people, “you’re
just doing it for him or you’re just in love and that’s why you
can’t see that he’s brainwashing you!”
I began to wonder, What if I AM doing this for the wrong
reasons and I just can’t see it? What if I wake up one day down the
road and realize that they were all right!? I had to leave. I
had to get away from all of the influence and find out for myself. I
didn’t want to be pulled in any direction except my own. I would be
free to listen to my heart and let God lead the way to what is good
and true and pure. So I left.
The moment I was up in the air, an
exhilarating feeling of freedom came over me. I was free to think,
reflect, search. The fear of God was instantly felt as I gazed down
at the world which symbolically looked so small and insignificant as
I moved further and further away from it. Leaving my world behind,
even if only for a summer, I think, was the most important think I’d
ever done for my spirit. As I flew over the great Atlantic, I made a
promise to never miss one prayer, no matter how difficult the
situation. I felt an instant closeness to God; something I hadn’t
felt so intensely since I first converted.
When I arrived in Italy, I knew very
little of the language and was unable at first to communicate almost
anything. This may have been a blessing in disguise because it
caused me to stop and listen for a while. I was humbled and I had no
one but God to talk to. About a week in, I had a dream that made me
feel like He was with me every step of this journey because He knew
that I walked upon it in order to seek nearness to Him. Travelling
through cities, I didn’t know how to find the Qibla (the direction
towards which we pray) so I just put my rug in any direction that
fit the room I stayed in. The dream endured only 3 seconds: I
grabbed my prayer rug, adjusted it to the right, and woke up. So, I
copied what I saw in my dream, because, who knows, right?
SubhanAllah, I later found out with the help of a map, that my dream
directed me perfectly southeast to Mecca.
By the second week, after much prayer,
contemplation and supplication, I had already started to see things
in a new light. I envisioned the world in its entire greatness, and
my small existence in my city and it dawned on me that I was making
this tiny insignificant thing out to be much greater than it was.
Why did I fear those situations and people around me more than I
feared Allah? I suddenly had this feeling of empowerment and my
heart began to reach out in search of direction. I desired it so
fervently and I knew that nothing could change my mind once I
reached it. It came to me all at once one night while I was reading
my English Quran. I felt as if Allah had spoken to my heart in such
a gentle and unique way and I had never been so sure of anything
else in my life. I could already picture the reactions of various
family members, and of the Italian community to which I somewhat
belonged. People had already been talking about me in worried tones
behind my back. And now, in a matter of moments, I had made a firm
decision that would soon throw my so-called secure world of 18 years
upside down. Not only was I ready to go public about being Muslim, I
intended to step off my plane proudly wearing the hijab.
It is worth mentioning that my mother
had given me the time off work and sent me off with high hopes that
Italy would make me ‘see the light’ and leave all this religious
play behind. There was no doubt in her mind that the atmosphere,
which can be conducive to Islamic spiritual decay if you let it,
would most definitely sway me from my plans to be with Mohammed and
live an Islamic life of modesty - a life devoid of the parties and
entertainment that I would soon be exposed to on vacation. She
thought it would be impossible to resist and even dropped hints to
her cousins to really show me a good time. She even went as far as
promising me that if I spend two and a half months with her family,
and return still wanting to be a Muslim, that she would give me her
respect and finally believe that I’m not doing this for Mohammed.
She told me to go, clear my mind, decide what I really want for my
life, and find what really makes me happy. So far, this had been
happening, but to her dismay, it was the exact opposite effect that
she wanted.
So I was off to Rome to visit my dear
cousin. She was a bit of a wild child so I wasn’t sure how it would
go. Earlier, I made a sincere prayer that if I noticed God was
opening the doors for me, I would not hesitate to walk through them.
I intended to tell my cousin of my newfound passion and my plans to
wear the scarf. I am so overjoyed to say that when you do something
sincerely for God that normally would’ve been horrifying, that you’d
never have the courage to do, He somehow makes it so easy for you,
like a breath of fresh air. He removed this burden from me the
instant I put my trust in Him. I expected my cousin to be very tough
with me regarding my decision to be a Muslim. I anticipated that she
would reprimand me for letting a guy brainwash me this much and
encourage my independence from all of this. Instead, to my surprise
the conversation went much differently. I told her, I have to tell
you something. She said, Ok what is it? So I continued, I want to
wear the Islamic headscarf.
All the time?
She asked. Yes. In fact, I was planning to just put it on,
on the plane and return home wearing it. She really shocked me when
she replied, why don’t you just start wearing it now? I mean if it’s
really what you want, why would you wait ‘till you go home.
This left me quite beside myself. I took her advice and put
it on that very afternoon.
Being a ‘ninja’ in Rome was a unique
experience. My cousin had remarked that I was definitely the first
scarf-wearing, English-speaking young woman Rome will have ever
seen. There were some uncomfortable situations, but nothing beats
when you’re in a huge tourist venue, like the Vatican and you spot
the one other woman in the crowd wearing hijab and a comforting
smile is exchanged between you, knowing that you are the only two
out of thousands who look this way here. There were also encounters
with people who were so encouraging and uplifting that I could swear
they were angels sent to ease my way on a road never travelled
before. You’d be surprised how many unexpected people really do
appreciate the hijab and have a deep, immense respect for dignified
women who choose to cover themselves.
I can never stress enough how
amazingly helpful it is to have even one family member give
you moral support. From the moment my cousin showed me that she
would stand behind my decisions, I felt that even if it would just
be her and nobody else in the universe, that it was truly a gift
from God and that I would be more than fine. All I needed to know
was that Allah Himself was with me, and He showed that to me through
many intricate ways.
Still, I worried about what my family
would say or think, particularly since I had always judged myself
through the eyes of others, but this trend, by Allah’s mercy, didn’t
end with my cousin. To my astonishment, people that I expected to
react the worst, ended up showing me the most love and
open-mindedness. Even in Italy I received compliments and blessings
of encouragement from people who I could only describe as angels.
Coming to terms with all that had been
happening within myself, I realized it wasn’t going to be a passing
thing, like everyone thought. Instead of moving away from Islam, I
was steadily heading straight into the depths of it. Contrary to
what I considered as a possibility, I knew I wasn’t ever turning
back. And this trip was a necessary step to allow my soul to truly
learn that. I felt it was necessary since this important change in
my life occurred, to touch base with my life back at home, so I
called my producer, who was also the leader of my band. Since we had
many important shows to play soon after my arrival in Canada, I
found it only fair to give him notice. I gathered myself, and made
the phone call, and told him, with some difficulty that I had begun
to observe Islamic dress and that my life would be taking a new
direction from now on. My heart was beating so hard, I thought he
might hear it. I expressed my apologies for the unexpected news, and
explained it would be best if he found a new lead singer. He was
definitely taken back by this news, as would anyone that knew me.
Singing was my life; what could have possibly inspired such a change
of interests in me? I don’t really expect anyone to understand why I
would want to give it up, I just know in my heart where I would be
right now if I hadn’t made that decision.
Contrary to what he promised, it
seemed my producer had spilled the news to my mother who in turn
spread it to everyone else in my life. She had not taken it well.
Her husband told me that she had been crying and very sick for 3
days since she found out. It is very difficult to see people hurt so
much when you know that there is nothing to be upset about at
all. Where you see peace and guidance, they see ugliness and
nonsense. But this is expected since the Holy Quran attests to this
fact. The more guided one is to the spiritual life, the more those
immersed in the worldly life will mock at you and think you’re
crazy. In there eyes, you have gone off the deep end, but in your
heart, you have a certainty that can never be shaken. Anyhow, she
made clear to me that I was no longer welcomed in her life if I
chose to dress this way. She forbade me from even nearing the street
where our business was and assured me that I was about to lose my
entire family over this, so I better be really happy with what I’m
doing.
When I look at the big picture, I find
that this whole trip was a mercy from God and that He used this
event in my life to guide me. When I left, I was a different person.
Sure, I had said the Shahada and meant it, but there was so much
missing in my life and also, so much negative influence. The things
I was doing, the places I went and the people I surrounded myself
with were of no benefit to my true discovery of what Islam has to
offer. I was involved in many haram situations and most of the time,
it never struck me as something that I needed to change.
I noticed a phenomenon that I later
realized affects many people. I started off as a new convert, with
an open heart and so much to learn. But then time went by in which I
didn’t progress because I was too caught up in the life of this
world and ignoring all that I had so recently been guided to. What
happens is you let one small thing slide by without instructing
yourself against it and you think God couldn’t possibly put me in
hell for this. Things are made to be fair-seeming to you, but soon
enough that one thing grows into another small thing, which
eventually spreads like a virus and soon enough, you find that you
don’t even recognize yourself anymore because you’ve come so far
from where you were, not too long ago. I’m so lucky that I broke out
of this pattern, maybe as a result of some people’s prayers for me,
but if I can tell of one thing that I learned from this trip, it was
that you have to always move forward in your faith and you can’t
ignore the things that Allah has put here for us for our benefit. We
must read the Quran everyday. Not to would be a shame and a
crime against ourselves. If we don’t worry about the little things,
they will eventually defeat us and our standing still in Islam will
eventually lead us to move backwards. This is the greatest atrocity
because with a faith as perfect as this, there is no reason to let
yourself move backwards. Also, the people we surround ourselves with
are paramount to our spiritual growth and moral development. If we
call ourselves Muslims and lead our lives like the average kafir,
how can we expect Allah to look favourably upon us when we need Him?
The thing is, He will have mercy on us when we’re in need anyway,
even if we don’t deserve it, as I have demonstrated in my story
today, so we owe it to Him and to ourselves to pay some
attention to that certain man of history (saw) that brought us this
message of truth and also, the man of the moment (atfs) who
continually sees it through to it’s inevitable fruition.
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