Never
Say Never
by
A Muslim Sister
As an
American woman embracing Islam, there are often hurdles and challenges
to be met. One of the most difficult aspects of Islam for me to accept
was the permissibility of polygamy. The very thought of it seemed so
bizarre and I chose to ignore it rather than accept it or to ever take
part in it.
I embraced Islam about 7 years ago. This was also the beginning of a
long struggle in search of the perfect husband and father figure for my
children and me. I was provided a Wali from my community in order to
handle this matter in the correct manner as to avoid mixing
unnecessarily with other men, as well as to protect my best interests.
It was a difficult process as most of the Brothers whom showed interest
in marriage to me were looking for a second wife. It seemed that there
were no single Brothers looking for a wife who already had children.
Almost a year of searching (I was feeling very desperate!), my Wali was
approached by another Brother. Of course he too was searching for a
second wife after moving to this country because of political/economic
reasons. My Wali informed me that he seemed very sincere. He needed
another wife as he planned on being in the US for several years and
wanted to avoid living in haram. The Brother came here in hopes of
providing better for his family overseas. To my dismay he had several
children, didn't speak English, and did not have any formal education as
he started working from the time he was 13 years old. He was even older
than I preferred. However, I was informed that he is a good provider and
a hard, skilled worker.
I still refused to meet with him because I did not want any part of a
plural marriage. How could I share a man with another woman? How could I
compete with the bond that they must share having several children
together? Where would I fit in and how could I compete with all that it
entails? Besides, he wasn't even educated! I couldn't imagine how he
could possibly support the large family he already had as well as
another family! Not to mention he was not a legal resident and I feared
he was looking for a green card. It did not matter that I was desperate,
I still would not agree to such circumstances. I would just continue to
wait for the right person to come along.
Al hamdulillah! A couple of weeks later, another Brother was interested
in meeting with me! He was only a couple of years older than I, never
married, and no children. Not only that, he was educated (working on his
Ph.D.), fluent in English and a legal resident! I was so excited to meet
him I could hardly wait! He sounded like the ideal husband!
Right away, we met with each other and talked (with my Wali present of
course). We both felt that we were perfect for each other. We were
eventually married and we both felt very blessed. All of my prayers were
being answered and my search had finally come to an end. I was so
relieved and excited to begin a new life with my new husband. We packed
all my belongings and moved to the state he resided in. I felt that my
life could not be more perfect than it was now!
Well, Sisters, I couldn't be more wrong. After the move, my life started
to fall apart really fast. Almost immediately, I could see signs of
conflict between us. I couldn't believe it! My world came crashing down
on me! I could actually see it happening right in front of my face but I
could not stop it from happening. Two people never clashed as much as we
did! How could this be happening to me? We disagreed about everything!
We simply were not compatible. However, I was determined not to lose
this marriage! I never wanted anything more badly than I wanted this
marriage! I couldn't understand why this was happening when our marriage
was based on Islam. We continued talking but neither one of us could
understand what the other was saying. Eventually we were like enemies
and it was getting really ugly. I began despising the way he talked,
walked, laughed, etc. (I am sure he felt the same way.) At this point we
both felt that divorce was the only answer. I felt like a total failure
and I was so ashamed! I could never return home and be the talk of the
community! My Iman had dropped very low. I only wanted to disappear.
I contacted my Wali's wife and she gave me the number to a very nice
Sister in another state. I called her (Maashaallah) and she agreed to
help me relocate to where she lived. (This state was even further
away!). Consider me crazy but I decided to go for it! I felt that I had
nothing else to lose. I loaded all of my belongings in the back of a
U-Haul trailer and we left for our new home. I was really scared. The
drive was about 17 hours long and I had never driven for more than 3
hours by myself. I would just have to think of it as an adventure and
say Bismillah!
The next day, I arrived at my final destination. I found the home of
this very sweet Muslim Sister (Maashaallah). Previously, I had spoken to
her briefly on the phone and never actually met her in person. I was
pleasantly surprised to see a Sister in niqab come out and greet me so
warmly. I was so exhausted from driving (especially on the freeways in
this large city). My niqaabi Sister was so enthusiastic; I soon forgot
my troubles. She drove me all over the city in search of an apartment.
Al hamdulillah by the end of the day Allah (S) provided me with an
apartment in a really nice community with several other Muslim families.
The apartment manager skipped the credit check, as that would have taken
more time! Everything happened so smoothly with such ease, that I knew
that this was what Allah (S) wanted for me. I felt I had made the right
choice by moving there.
The very next day, Allah (S) provided me with a job! I started right
away. My employer was Muslim and didn't mind that I wore hijab. For once
I felt happy and at peace with myself. I started to feel that maybe it
wasn't meant for me to be married and that I was probably better off
single. I started making many friends right away. I met so many nice
Sisters and my Iman was getting stronger once again.
After my Iddah, a Muslim Sister approached me from my apartment complex.
She wanted to know if I was interested in getting married again. She
insisted that she had the perfect Brother for me. (How about that!?) A
little reluctant, I listened to what she had to say. She explained to me
that he lived in my home state and that he was a hard worker and a good
Muslim. He was very, close friends with her husband so he wasn't a
complete stranger. Then she came to the "he's looking for a second wife
part." (Not that again!!!) I immediately told her I was not interested
in a polygynous relationship. She understood how I felt and did not
pressure me any further.
That very evening, I went to bed thinking how awful it would feel to be
a woman and share your husband with another woman. I could never be a
part of that! I felt that I was too jealous and selfish of a person. I
felt so angry that men could do that to their wives. I couldn't even
imagine how these women must feel.
The next morning I awoke thinking about the Brother who wanted a second
wife. Somehow, Subhanallah, my heart felt lighter thinking about it. I
actually began contemplating marriage as a second wife! (Imagine that!)
I started thinking of all the positives that could result from this
marriage. After all, he did have previous experience with women and
children (a major problem in my previous marriage). Because of his
experience and age (maturity) I felt that he might be better prepared to
deal with my children and me.
That same morning I contacted the Sister and asked her for more
information about this Brother and told her that I might be interested.
(And Sisters, the entire time I was thinking that I must be out of my
mind!) The Sister explained to me that this very sincere Brother was
looking for a good Muslim (practicing) wife. He wanted her to be a part
of his family and eventually return home with him to his native country.
She went on to tell me that he does not speak any English and is not
formally educated. He had been a hard worker from the time he was 13
years old. (Wait a minute! This sounds too familiar!!! Could this
possibly be the same Brother I refused to meet over one and a half years
ago?! That would be impossible considering, that this Sister is not
familiar with any of my friends' back home - over 4 states away!) After
inquiring, she informed me of his name and where he worked. After our
conversation ended, I immediately called a friend of mine whose husband
knew the Brother I previously refused to meet.
Subhanallah! It was the very same Brother! I was totally shocked! (Could
this be a sign from Allah (T)?) I knew now that I had to meet with him.
I shared the news with my friend and she immediately arranged for her
husband to talk with the Brother and arrange a meeting. The Brother
drove to meet me (a 17 hour drive) a couple of days later. Upon meeting
him, I knew right away that this Brother was for me! We were both very
pleased with each other. Two days later we were married at the masjid.
Alhamdulillah we have now been married going on 4 years now and I can
honestly say that I have no regrets. Allah (T) has filled our hearts
with love for each other that continuously grows. I previously believed
that I would have to make too many sacrifices being part of a plural
marriage. I now know that I have gained more than I have lost
alhamdulillah! My life is now richer than it has ever been. I now have a
wonderful, large family who love and care for my children and me. My
children adore their stepfather and he adores them. My husband's other
wife (Maashaallah) is my Sister and friend and I love her dearly. Her
children are like my own - I love them and they love me as well. We all
have the same goals and want what is best for all of us.
And yes, alhamdulillah my husband loves his other wife tremendously, and
for that I love and respect him even more. I wouldn't want it any other
way! He informs us that he loves both of us in the same way that a
mother has room in her heart to love all of her children-differently
(because we are both different), but at the same time -- equally (as can
be expected). He only speaks kind words about each of us and at the same
time is careful to try not to create jealousy or animosity between us.
Of course I was jealous at first, (and so was she) as this is normal,
however those feelings eventually turned into love and compassion for my
Sister.
Allah (T) has been so good to me alhamdulillah! My husband (Maashaallah)
supports all of us financially with Allah's help! (Even without a
college degree and high paying corporal job). I have to admit that there
were some difficulties at times when it comes to language barriers, but
nothing we can't overcome with patience. My husband now speaks English
well, and my knowledge of Arabic has greatly increased.
So Sisters, I just wanted to share my experience with you. Never say
"never" because if it's Allah's will -- you can't avoid it. You can run
(like I did) but you can't hide from what Allah (T) has planned for you.
The most important thing to do is to put your faith in Allah (T) and
surrender to Him. He has the ability to change and soften our hearts in
any matter. Allah (T) knows best and may He continue to guide us all on
the right path. Ameen.
Taken from Muslimah
Inspirations. |