ELEMENTS OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE
This is a
combination of three lectures
Delivered by
Ayatollah Dr Sayyid Fadhil H Al-Milani on wedding ceremonies
recently held in London
Allah tells us in the Quran:
Among His signs is that He created for
you from yourselves spouses that you may dwell in tranquillity with
them, and installed love and compassion between you…
Quran 30/21
He describes the relationship
between husband and wife as follows:
…. they are a garment for you, and you
are a garment for them
Quran 2/187
In another Ayah, whilst
ordering Muslims to marry, He promises to provide for those who are
suffering from poverty by saying: If
they are poor Allah will, out of His grace, give them means, Allah is
bounteous, All-knowing Quran 24/32
From the first Ayah one
easily concludes that it is not only the mercy and love which one may
expect from marriage, rather there are many signs for those who ponder.
When we combine all the above quotations, we notice that the advantages
of marriage in the eye of Allah are as follow:
-
They are from yourselves
(Union between male and female).
-
Tranquility.
-
Love.
-
Compassion.
-
Each is a garment for
another. This refers to each one protects and is fit in size and
compatibility the other.
-
Marriage will lead to
increase in provision and wealth. The Prophet (S.A.W) said:
Who ever avoids marriage
in fear of financial difficulties, has indeed missed his trust
in Allah, Al-Mizan V15/p117
* * *
What is the secret of a happy
marriage? Surely it is an adequate realization by each partner of the
needs of the other, and an imaginative and determined effort to meet
them.
Take the primary need for
bodily comfort. A wife will find scope for her domestic skills in
meeting this need in her husband. And if she realizes it is a primary
need, she will make every effort to meet it. Her attempts to do this are
not only assurances to the household that somebody cares; they will make
him content because a fundamental need is being met.
So the everyday chores of
being a housewife, the cooking, cleaning and laundering do contribute to
a happy married life, because if they were omitted, the husband would
wonder whether his wife cared.
A wife needs constant
reassurance of her husband’s love. And this should be demonstrated not
only with obvious endearments but by actions which save her discomfort
like checking the central heating, in bad weather particularly, and
seeing that the home is warm enough. He should remember how much she
enjoys the occasional cup of tea or even bringing her food to her bed
when she feels tired, and now and again some flowers or a little gift.
There is also the universal
desire to escape at times. Both must recognize this need in the other
and see that it is met. This is where recreation, outside interests,
‘treats’ and holidays both religious and of relaxation come in. There
must be periodic breaks from the routine.
So if it’s three months since
you took your wife out for a walk or dinner, it’s time you did something
about it. Maybe she likes to escape into a novel; then get her in a book
occasionally, even though it’s only from the library.
If your husband seeks escape
in some hobby or pursuit, don’t nag him for the mess he makes. He’ll be
a happier, more contented partner for that hobby. Rather, take an
interest in it, ask questions
about it, drop a word of praise or appreciation occasionally.
By the way, he would think
you were just wonderful if you bought him some little tool or accessory
connected with it.
Another primary need is
to be noticed, admired, liked.
If a wife begins to ignore her husband’s good qualities, and so far
forgets herself as to belittle him before friends or the children, she
has only herself to blame if he is attracted to others.
A man must realize that a
marriage ceremony has not destroyed his wife’s desire for admiration.
She likes to be told as much now that she looks charming or that her
hair‑style suits her as she did on the wedding night. Also, let him not
be so selfish and thoughtless as not to notice the many things she does
for him, for the home and the children.
Both man and woman should
continue to take a pride in their appearance, ensuring always that they
are clean and well-groomed.
Most marriage troubles spring
from unsatisfactory private relationships. It is doubtful if any
marriage has foundered where there has been a recognition on both sides
of the natural desires of the other and a genuine, unrestrained effort
made to meet them. In many cases that effort is never made. Hundreds of
women still come to marriage with no idea of the part that private
relationship plays in a man’s life, and they are horrified and
consequently unresponsive when he reveals this strongest of all primary
wants.
The Master Key
A master key to marital bliss
is the simple and obvious one of mutual consideration. To develop this,
let each place himself imaginatively in the place of the other. It is
then merely a question of asking yourself how you would feel in those
circumstances and how you would like the other to behave towards you.
Then, of course, there must be ACTION.
BEING A BETTER PARENT
Once you strengthened your
marriage, you head for establishing a family and being a parent.
Psychology has revealed that
many of the emotional troubles which bedevil adult life have their
origin in the earliest years of infancy and were initiated by
well-meaning but blundering parents. The moral is that parents should
acquaint themselves with some of the findings of psychology on this
matter.
Here are some guidelines:
A young infant doesn’t think
and it can barely see. It is conscious only of what it can feel.
It therefore needs the utmost security and comfort,
particularly those sensual comforts deriving from proximity to the
mother’s breast.
Always bear in mind that a
child is a person. The fact that they are small makes no difference.
Soon they have a temperament, feelings, hopes, fears, loves, hatreds,
just as adults. The child likes to make things as the adults do. He
likes to be praised and feel successful as they do. He values his
possessions, likes his comforts as they do. Like them, too, he wants to
feel secure, loved, wanted.
Adults hate to be frustrated;
so does a child. Adults call his reactions a tantrum; there is no one to
call their reactions
anything! Because he is a person he hates to be whisked away from some
interest. As a person and not a paragon he will sometimes be lazy,
thoughtless, ungrateful, untidy.
Bearing these things in mind,
always be considerate with a child. Never expect too much. Your child is
an ordinary, erring human, weak and ignorant.
Because he has not yet
learned to co‑ordinate his movements, he will be slow and clumsy, and
often make mistakes. But he has plenty of native confidence.
When they become teenagers,
see that you are never an aggressive, unpredictable tyrant. Instead, aim
at being a reliable friend. Suggest and advise rather than command and
bully. If you must impose your will, give reasons rather than be
arbitrary.
Advice to the bride:
1-
Do not look at shortcomings.
2-
Forgive your husband’s mistakes.
3-
Help your husband make progress.
4-
Avoid suspicions.
5-
Keep his secrets.
6-
Keep your appearance and beauty at home also.
7-
Remain calm and silent when he is angry.
Advices to the groom:
1-
Always ensure her about your love and consideration.
2-
Respect your wife and her opinions.
3-
Do not find fault.
4-
Be grateful for even the little she offers.
5-
Be faithful to her.
6-
Put your whole trust in her.
7-
Accept your responsibility regarding the raising of children who
are our capital for the future. |